The Relationship Room

Choosing to attend couples therapy is a meaningful step toward growth, clarity, and reconnection. But not all therapy experiences are created equal. Finding the right couples therapist, someone who understands your needs and creates a safe, productive space, can make a world of difference in your outcomes.

So how do you find the right fit? Below are some key areas to consider when choosing a couples therapist who truly supports both of you.

Why choosing the right couples therapist matters

Couples therapy is intimate work. You’re sharing some of your most vulnerable experiences with a third person, and that person’s skill, presence, and neutrality will directly impact how safe and motivated you both feel.

A good couples therapist doesn’t take sides. They support the relationship and help each of you express your needs, understand your patterns, and move toward healthier ways of relating. The right therapist can help de-escalate tension, create space for empathy, and guide you through even the most challenging issues, whether you’re dealing with conflict, disconnection, betrayal, or life transitions.

Look for specialised training in couples therapy

Not all therapists are trained to work with couples. Some primarily see individuals and may not have specific tools or frameworks to navigate relational dynamics effectively.

Look for someone who has specialised training in evidence-based couples therapy models, such as:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – focuses on attachment needs and emotional safety. 
• Gottman Method Couples Therapy – uses research-backed strategies to improve communication and connection. 
• Imago Relationship Therapy – emphasises healing old wounds and building empathy. 

Specialised training means the therapist is equipped to hold the complexity of two people with different needs, histories, and communication styles.

Check their communication style and presence

Beyond qualifications, the therapist’s presence in the room matters. Do they come across as calm, engaged, and compassionate? Do they make both of you feel heard and understood?

Pay attention to:

• Whether the therapist maintains neutrality and balance between you
• How they respond to emotional tension or disagreement
• Whether you both feel emotionally safe and not judged 

If one of you feels dismissed or “ganged up on,” that’s a red flag. The right therapist helps both partners feel respected, even when difficult truths are being explored.

Understand their approach to conflict and repair

Every couple experiences conflict. What matters is how it’s understood and navigated in the therapy space.

Ask your therapist how they help couples work through conflict. Do they:

• Focus on de-escalation and emotional regulation?
• Help you identify underlying needs and attachment injuries?
• Teach tools for repair and reconnection?

A skilled couples therapist will slow things down, help you understand the cycle you get caught in, and support you both in finding new ways to engage with each other during and after conflict.

Ask about structure, duration, and goals

It’s helpful to know what therapy will look like. Ask questions such as:

• Do you offer structured sessions or a more open format?
• How do you help couples set and track goals?
• What does a typical course of therapy look like?

Some therapists use assessments or frameworks (e.g. Gottman assessments), while others may tailor each session more fluidly. Either approach can work well, what matters is that you understand the process and feel aligned with it.

Practical stuff: cost, location, scheduling, insurance

While it’s important to find someone clinically and relationally skilled, practical factors also play a role. Consider:

• Cost – Does the therapist offer a sliding scale? Do they work with your health insurance?
• Location – Are they nearby, or do they offer online or telehealth?
• Availability – Do they have openings that work with your schedule, including evenings or weekends?

Therapy should be a sustainable commitment. If attending regularly causes logistical or financial strain, it’s worth discussing options or considering alternatives.

Finding the right couples therapist involves more than just picking a name from a directory. It’s about choosing someone who has the right training, communicates in a way that feels safe and supportive, and aligns with your relationship goals.

Look for a therapist with specialised experience in couples work, not just general therapy training. Pay attention to their communication style and presence, both of you should feel heard and respected. Ask how they approach conflict and repair, so you know they can help you navigate the tough moments. Clarify the structure, duration, and goals of therapy, so expectations are aligned from the start. And of course, make sure the practical details, like cost, scheduling, and location, work for both of you.

Ultimately, the right couples therapist helps you feel safe, challenged, and supported as you grow together. Take your time, ask questions, and choose someone who feels like a good fit for both of you.