Attachments in Intimate Relationships

The way we are given love and attention as children, directly impacts our expectations and experiences of intimacy in adult relationships.

Love. Closeness. Intimacy. The things most of us crave and pursue in our adult relationships.⁠

It is fascinating and frustrating as a therapist to witness what paradoxically occurs when we actually find a relationship with true closeness but then a childhood experience infiltrates our adult ones.⁠ For many of us our childhood selves witnessed vastly unsatisfying or dysfunctional relationships between our parents. We also as children may have had our own needs for attention, love and intimacy unmet, unseen or neglected for many reasons (often despite our parents’ best efforts!).

This is not to suggest that we should be victims of our childhood experiences. However, it is very often true that when some of us find true intimacy, it is just too vulnerable for us to embrace fully.⁠ When this occurs, we often are not consciously aware that we may do one or more of the following⁠:

  1. Choose emotionally unavailable partners.
  2. Seek our unsuitable relationships.
  3. Make ourselves emotionally unavailable.
  4. Sabotage relationships if we feel someone is getting too close to us.

This pattern can be a repetitive one if we don’t develop an awareness of our attachment style and any issues we may have around true intimacy or closeness.⁠ This is a complex area and not one to be solved in a blog post. If this resonates with you then finding a skilled therapist or reading up on attachment styles may be incredible in unravelling an unhelpful relationship pattern.⁠


This article contains original content from The Relationship Room.

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